In <vessey.33.00405…@upei.ca> ves…@upei.ca (Blair Vessey) writes:
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>Hello,
>Just wondering what all of you first time Mom’s imagine what the first few
>days of having a baby will be like. First of all I can’t seem to concentrate
>on anything else right now. At 32 weeks my brain has simply gone to mush!
>Can’t help but stare at every parent and child I see and take mental notes. I
>do alot of reading on the subject and am trying to have realistic
>expectations. Here’s how I imagine the first few days of life after birth:
>-absolutely no sleep!
>-totally mesmerized with with the baby
>-a closer bond with my hubby
>-extreme fatigue
>-breast feeding every 2 hours and enjoying the closeness/bonding thing
>provided I don’t have any problems in that area.
>-constant changing of diapers
>-unable to set foot away from the baby
>-alot of visits from my very excited mother
>-being in a twilight zone/dream state from the overwhelm of it all
>-a bunch of other stuff I can’t seem to put into words
> Oh boy, this is a topic that’s ripe for controversy! I’ll pipe in with
my two cents worth!
I’m not sure you’re asking for advice, but I guess the one piece of advice I’d
have for any parent-to-be is to not have *any* expectations. I think you’re just
setting yourself for a lot of headgames at a time when any emotion will
be exagerated due to hormones and sleep deprivation. It’s absolutely impossible to
predict how you will react to new motherhood in advance, and while I’m sure
ultimately there will be really profound bonding with baby, new closeness with
hubby, etc., don’t expect it to *necessarily* happen right away. I’ve been lucky
enough to have an exceptionally easy transition to motherhood, and I attribute
that mostly to the fact that, pre-baby, my attitude was pretty much "I’m not
so sure about this motherhood thing, we’ll see how this goes" (I was never really
big on babies). Now (four months after the birth of my first child) I *love*
being a mother and can’t wait to have another baby!
I didn’t fall head over heals in love with my baby right away, and I’m really glad
a friend (a recent new mother) prepared me for the fact that might happen. I mean,
I thought she was cute and all, and I *liked* her a lot and was really glad I’d get
to keep her for the next 18 years, but it wasn’t the profound maternal love you hear
about — that evolved gradually over the next month or two. Now I can really say that
I’m absolutely crazy head-over-heals in love with her! But don’t feel bad or guilty if
that feeling doesn’t happen right away (although for some women it does).
Bonding with hubby: I’ve been with my husband for 10 years and we are still crazy about
each other. I never thought anything could equal the love I have for him, but my baby
has proved me wrong! We both had a sort of "prepare for the worst [no sleep, etc], hope
for the best" attitude towards having a baby, and as a result the experience was much
easier than we thought. We did feel a lot closer those first few days/weeks because the
whole experience was so much easier than we expected, and we sort of couldn’t believe
we produced this perfect little thing. Then I went through a phase,
sort of my "intense bonding" phase between months one and two/three, where my baby just
completely satiated me emotionally and all I could think about was her, and — to
be a little bit blunt — my husband felt a little bit unnecessary. My sex drive also
plummeted between months one and three and is just starting to return. The other thing
that happened in the early weeks/months is that we bonded with the baby at different
rates (me first, then him). This meant that, although from months one to two or so he
seemed a little unnecessary to me, from months two to three he couldn’t wait to get home
and see the baby and wasn’t nearly as excited as usual see me. In the first month or two,
I had a few moments of frustration when I felt like he wasn’t as in love with, or as
responsive to, the baby as I was. The bottom line–
it all evens out. At four months we’re both head over heals in love with the baby and
with each other, and I still can’t wait until he gets home from work at night. I guess
the thing that I didn’t expect is that having a baby is a different experience for a
man and a woman, so don’t be suprised if your husband’s reaction to the
baby isn’t exactly the same as yours is, initially.
For me and many of my recent-mother friends, the sleep deprivation thing is over-rated.
Yes, your sleep will be interrupted. But, for me this was the first time in years that
I was not/am not working and don’t have to get up to an alarm clock. Even when Madeline
was a newborn I got more sleep than I did as a working non-mother. If you have the luxury
of a good maternity leave, you can always nap during the day, sleep in, etc. To be honest-
I slept a lot better with a newborn than I did nine months pregnant.
Maybe you won’t be able to set foot away from your baby, but for me I craved a break.
I was fortunate enough to have help a few hours a day after my baby was born, and I’d
always love to get out. You’d be amazed at how especially precious your baby looks
after you’ve been out for a few hours. And getting out will unite you with the
pre-baby you.
Yes, your life will change dramatically, but you won’t stop being YOU. You’ll still
have non-baby interests and so on. I adore my baby and miss her desperately when we’re
apart, but it’s my personal belief that a good mother is a happy mother. Do what YOU
need — take a break and leave her with Grandma occasionally, have a date with your
husband alone, if you work now and are going to go back to work, don’t feel guilty about
it. Maybe I’m just justifying my own actions, but in my opinion being a good mother
means more than just being there, it means setting a good example by following your
own good instincts.
I love being a mother so much now that it is incredibly exciting for me to read a
message from someone like you who is just approaching this wonderful adventure! I’m
very envious!!!! Now that I know how fun babies are I wish I could do my pregnancy
all over again!
Good luck! I hope I didn’t offend or annoy too many people with this post. I’ll be
very interested to see how other people reacted to new parenthood!
Elizabeth